Mann's Generation, Argumennt, Argumannt actually
by A. Mann
Summary: Season 5. In Mann's latest,viewpoints are expressed,and deceptions are included,when the crew believe that they have to battle their worst enemies. Mann gets up close and personal with Spot,and we finally find out what a 24th century toilet looks like...


Mann's Generation

Argumennt

Season Five

* * *

Mann's Log, I am in desperate need of chocolate, but Riker has locked it out from the replicator system so that only Troi can have it. I'm gonna go crazy! Anyway, I need a haircut so off I go.

* * *

Mann is in the small three seat barber room in the middle seat having Mot trim his hair continuously through the speech. Data is on Mann's left having his hair trimmed by some human with no name who cannot speak for financial reasons.

Mot: I don't know what you use on your hair but it's making me dizzy.

Mann: Worf suggested it, it's a blend of targ urine and some of Data's special android drink.

Mot: It's vile.

Mann: Certainly.

Mot snips, then moves to Mann's right and snips more.

Mann: I like having my hair done, this is one of the least Riker-populated areas on the ship.

Mot: Yeah we can talk about…

Riker enters the room.

Riker: Talk about what?

Everyone stumbles, stutters, then cleverly…

Mann: URINE!

Riker: I'm in where?

Mann: No, ur-eye-n.

Riker: What?

Mann: Just urine.

Riker: oh, right then…

Riker sits in the empty seat on Mann's right.

Riker: Well, the funny thing about Alaskan urine is that it's made primarily of fossilised monsters because we get all of our water from the ice outside…

Riker goes on as everyone else looks like their day has just got longer.

Eventually…

Riker: And there you have a sample of yellow urine… MAT!

Mot: What?

Riker: YOU'VE DE-HAIRED MANN!

Mann looks in the mirror

Mann: E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A! MY HAIR!

Mot: It's ok, I got a special shampoo from Fr-ahas-jha-sklfa-soa-sfj Four, it will accelerate its growth!

Mann's chair has been turned and in the small shelf area a bowl has been placed.

Mot starts covering Mann's head in pink goo.

Riker picks up a bottle from the shelf…

Riker: Mot? It's hair remover, not replacer…

Mann: THAT'S IT! I'M GONNA LET PINKY DO MY HAIR FROM NOW ON! …and Data, why are you having your hair done?

Data: I wished to… Ah, I neglected to take into account your limited attention span… I will now sum it up in one word...

Mann: What?

Data: experiment.

Mann: Oh.

Data: I will bring Spot in later for his…

Mann: HIS?

Data: As you invariably take my cat to gender reassignment operations, I have decided to call Spot by his original gender.

Mann: Oh…

Riker: Mann, we have to get you to a wig shop fast!

Mann: Why do you wanna help me?

Riker: In case you go see Troi about your emotional hair loss.

Mann: If I had the hair I could have seen her anyway…

Riker: Yes, you bald would be unattractive, but you bald could be dangerous to my plans of Troi-domination, where am I going with this?

Mann: Deck eight, section forty something...

Riker: How do you know the location of Troi's office? MAT! GIVE ME THOSE SCISSORS!

* * *

Later on the bridge, Picard walks over to Mann.

Mann: Sir?

Picard: I feel your pain…

Mann: Thanks…

Picard: Mann, I didn't mean about your obvious wig…

Mann: It will all grow back… soon.

Picard: I mean that local law requires your worst enemy and you to spend the week together, it's a stupid alien cleansing ritual that makes me wretch in anticipation of it… Admiral Nacho is on her way here and I'm standing by on an order of turkeys for you.

Mann: My worst enemy is probably Riker, Spot, or even… Oh wait, turkey... GAAAAK!

* * *

Picard is in a transporter room by the pad.

Nacho beams in.

Picard sharply: You're a haggered old slut and I hate your guts but for the sake of local law we have to spend the week together, and I have a book of five years worth of insults…

Nacho: Your week's gonna be pain.

Picard: Make it no.

Nacho: I'm gonna wipe the floor with you, then the ceilings…

Picard: I'm gonna make you wish you were on the receiving end of an ancient telemarketing call after this week…

Nacho: You're going down…

Picard: You'll wind up like Nora Sate-e-e-e-e-e-e you old boot…

Nacho: You are a bald menace who should have lost more than his hair…

Picard: Same to you…

Transporter chief: STOP IT!

Nacho: Chief, Where's your worst enemy?

Chief: Right here…

His console explodes and he falls to the ground.

Picard: That's always happening… Must be his face.

Nacho: Must be yours.

Picard: Shut your mouth before I kick it like Mann would kick Spot.

Nacho: Hm. Would be nice to see Mann some more.

Picard: How much more could you want, you got everything last time.

* * *

Mann is in his quarters sitting on the couch.

Mann: How are you my worst enemy?

Geordi: I'm not but I can't find mine…

Mann: Why's that?

Geordi: I CAN'T SEE!

Mann: Why do you always have to see things like that? As in, see it differently to the norm...

Geordi: I don't see...

* * *

Mann is in a Jefferies tube junction later sitting the floor. Riker comes in through another tube.

Riker: Mann, I've never seen you so down.

Mann: Lose some weight.

Riker: What?

Mann: So it's not you either?

Riker: What?

Mann: I've been trying for ages but I can't find the one who is my worst enemy.

Riker: He's on deck forty two near antimatter storage.

Mann: Thanks.

* * *

Mann is standing ready for a fight in a corridor looking forward at a man who is busy using a console attached to a wall ahead.

Mann: Turn around you son of a…

The man turns around.

Mann: I always knew this day would come where I finally got to tell you what I think…

Mm: Mm?

Mann: You think I'd forgiven you for that time you left me alone on the ship when Spot was on the lose and insane? You were meant to be my best friend and you took the only escape pod left onboard and I had to capture Spot all by myself!

Mm: Mm!

Mann: YOU JUST HATE ME BECAUSE I MADE FUN OF JELLY! IT WABBLES, SO OF COURSE I MAKE FUN!

Mm gruff: Mmmm...

Mann: I hate jelly, and I hate the look on your face when I stamp on it...

Mann sighs

Mann: You know what? You're not my worst enemy... I'd think Spot was...

* * *

In Data's quarters, Geordi and Data are standing in front of the desk…

Data: I do not consider you an enemy.

Geordi: same here Data, you're my best friend and I depend on you… Because Mann has screwed up my visor again and I don't know how I got here…

Data: Mann has given me advice in case this situation ever happened…

…

…

…

Geordi: DATA! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!

Data: Was that not the correct response?

Geordi: NO! Now all I taste is metal and rust…

Data: But Mann said…

Geordi: Mann misled you Data…

* * *

In Riker's bathroom he is standing arguing with his mirror.

Riker: It's not my problem that Troi got away from me, and I AM going to marry her one day! Don't look at me like you think it won't happen!

* * *

Pinky is in the ready room tank yelling at his rock when Picard and Nacho walk in and droop themselves on to the couch and desk chair. They are extremely worn out...

Pinky: What's goin' on?

Picard: We spent…the… larst… few… hours… insulting each other without… taking a breath.

Nacho: We …we still must follow local law… BALD.

Picard: Manure.

Nacho: Old.

Picard: Mann-lover.

Nacho: What's so wrong with that?

Picard looks startled. Then looks at Pinky's tank.

Picard: Aren't you even the slightest bit disgusted? Hey, are those bubbles?

Picard focussed: Are you breaking wind in my ready room?

* * *

Later Data and Geordi interrupt Mann who is in the process of strangling Ensign Mm.

Mann: what?

Data: You misled me.

Mann: I didn't…

Geordi: Data?

Data: To see how you like it, I will do to you what I did to Geordi…

Data shoves his arm down Mann's throat and punches his stomach from the inside, then removes it… his arm I mean.

Mann: A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A!

Geordi: Data, what's that stuck on your hand?

Data: Mann's stomach contents.

Geordi: IT WAS YOU! YOU ATE MY DRY CLEANING! I thought it was Spot…

Mann: HE PLANTED THAT! Why would I eat your clothes?

Geordi: Why not? Oh… I see why you avoid MY clothes so specifically...

Mann: Nothing to do with ethnicity or visibility…

Geordi: What about invisibility?

Mann rolls his eyes.

Mann: You mean this?

Mann pulls Geordi's visor off and throws it at him.

Mann: Maybe that will teach you to look before you leap... At situations.

Geordi: What's with all the blind knocks? I don't mock you for having that stupid nose...

Mann gruff: What's wrong with it?

Geordi: Well it...

THWACK, Geordi is knocked down.

Mann: Wow, guess he didn't see that one coming...

Geordi: OW! And no I didn't. I happen to be blind, get used to it.

Mann: Why? You didn't. You wear a visor so you can see, but try to play the blind card all the time... Like that day you got the command crew to carry a banquet to your quarters, saying you couldn't see it. Or that time you parked a shuttle in a no parking zone and said you didn't see that, and then put the blame on me with that traffic warden who said I should have told you I'd seen it... I've done time for you LaForge, you'll never see me do that again if you don't mend your ways...

Geordi: I won't SEE it anyway.

Mann roars.

* * *

Pinky's Log, the crew have gone crazy! I gotta stop them before they all kill each other! They got it wrong! The law was that they were meant to spend a day with their enemy and a week in consideration, not a week brawling with your enemy. Starting to wish I hadn't put graffiti on my rock now...

* * *

In the Holodeck, the senior crew are all together, Pinky's voice is heard.

Pinky: Will, take Mann out of that headlock!

Riker does so, then hits Mann on the arm.

Pinky: Now, I need you all to re-friendise.

Picard: Up your fish hatch.

Pinky: JANNY!

Picard instantly quickly: I forgot myself!

Picard drops to the floor.

Picard: PLE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E!

FOR-GIVE ME-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E!

Pinky: Program initiated.

The scene is of a big rocky planet.

Pinky: Solve the simulation.

Picard: Fine, end program.

The Holodeck is shown.

Mann: problem solved, now Riker, I have you where I want you!

Mann dives at Riker…

There is a smoke ball rolling around the holodeck for a while...

Comm: Admiral Nachayev to holodeck one, there is a situation up here and it needs the attention of a great Mann.

Picard: Aw, but I wanna fight stuff...

Picard pathetically shoves Geordi, who smacks Crusher...

Crusher: OW!

Geordi: Sorry, thought you were the Captain, or, Mann...

* * *

On the bridge moments later, everyone is at their post, and Nacho stands next to Mann on his right.

Picard: Well what's the situation?

Nacho: I was getting bored.

Mann taps buttons.

Nacho: What big hands you have...

Picard pulls a face of disgust.

Mann: Family trait.

Nacho: What white teeth you have...

Mann: I've got private health care, standard national health care is rubbish and everything smells of urine.

Nacho: And that nose of yours...

THWACK!

Picard stands: MANN!

Mann: No one, can ever get away with mocking my nose! YOU ALL GOT THAT?

Geordi: I've seen this before...

Mann: YOU SAID YOU HADN'T!

Nacho is unconscious on the floor.

Mann: kneels by her.

Mann: NACHO!

Nacho wakes.

Mann: I'm sorry about that sir, I did it to save your life from that energy beam I detected behind you...

Nacho: I can see the ceiling and walls from down here, nothing looks damaged... except Picard's face...

Picard: We fixed it. Unlike your age!

Nacho: Thank you Mann...

Picard: I've had enough! MANN! READY ROOM!

* * *

In the ready room Mann is standing in front of the desk. Picard is seated.

Picard: Hitting an admiral, even her, is misconduct. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO WEAR THAT UNIFORM!

Mann: Fine...

Picard blinks

Picard: AAAA!

Mann: What?

Nacho runs in.

Nacho: I heard a scream and I... Mann, turn around and face me.

Mann: No. You're creepy.

Picard: PUT SOME CLOTHES ON! BUT NOT THAT UNIFORM, BECAUSE YOU DON'T DESERVE TO WEAR IT!

Picard blinks

Mann is in a white clown outfit with pointy hat and bulky coat and pants with silver glittery balls all over.

Picard: Better.

Nacho: Aw.

* * *

Captain's Log, whatever our mission was we accomplished it... however something disturbing has happened...And I don't just mean Mann's uniform change... We have met a Vulcan ambassador's ship and taken it aboard. He claims to be an expert in mind-self-control, so I've arranged for Mann to see him. I meant distrurbing as in annoying, in that our schedule was disrupted... Doesn't matter, I was only gonna take Riker to Weight Watchers...

* * *

In guest quarters Mann and an old Vulcan sit together, the old Vulcan is pressing one hand on Mann's face...

Vulcan: My mind, to your mind, my thoughts, to your thoughts...

Mann: Boooring. And I hope your hands are clean.

Vulcan: Your thoughts, to my thoughts... I really am boring aren't I?

Mann: Yep.

Vulcan: You are distracting me and my concentration, and I think the ceiling in here needs redecorating, anything not to listen to that boring old Vulcan... MANN! Clear your mind...

Mann: I'm trying. But that frumpy outfit is just...

Vulcan softly: I sense pain, poultry... the word... Gaaaak... you had a pet... several pets... poultry pets... you loved them incredibly...You had to leave them with friends... your mind and heart could not cope with them...

Mann starts crying...

Mann: I miss you Mister Cutey McNugget... and Bernard... and Matthew...

Vulcan: Something else... you sense a new presence... something is hacking at your back...

The Vulcan looks and sees Spot behind Mann, he puts his other hand on Spot's face.

Vulcan: You are both similar yet you cannot stand each other... you should control these violent impulses... as my hand is now trying to strangle this feline...

* * *

Later Data is watching Spot sleeping on the bed in Data's quarters.

Picard walks in and approaches.

Picard: What?

Data: I am still puzzled by Spot's movements and behaviour...

Picard: Who isn't...

She or He makes hacking gestures.

Data: In this past hour I have noticed Spot fidgeting, and increased breathing and even light hacking of the bedding... several times she or he has been responding as if in pain...and at other times delight...

Picard: Hm.

Data: Spot has never seen a canine, or a rodent, so I do not know why she is behaving this way when sleeping.

Picard: Can I sleep here tonight? My neighbour, Mister Man is screaming in his sleep and rather than disturb him I think I'd better just move.

* * *

In Spot's dream... All is white, she is running towards a man... Mann.

Mann: STUPID OVER-TELEPATHIC VULCAN! I'LL KILL HIM FOR LINKING OUR MINDS!

Spot leaps through the air at Mann and they begin wrestling...

Mann: When you wake up tell Picard it's Mann actually!

* * *

The next morning Mann (covered in bruises and with bloody looking eyes) walks into Data's room where Picard is in blue and white striped pyjamas with matching hat, and Data is in uniform.

Picard: OH MY GOODNESS! WHAT IN THE WORLD HAS HAPPENED?

Mann: It was Spot...

Picard: Your uniform is all ruined!

Mann: Oh never mind the psychological damage...Or the Mann who has to wear the uniform...

Data: How could it have been Spot that caused your injuries?

Mann: That crazy Vulcan! He mind melded us all! He must have lost control and created a temporary link between me and Spot...

Picard: What? That's just plain stupidity...

Data: Clearly not, as a Vulcan, and Spot were also involved...

Mann: HEY!

Data: Spot is a good cat... and a pretty cat... She or he would never...

Mann pulls out a scalpel...

Mann: Let's see what else I can chop off!

Picard: Violence isn't the answer... Or is it? … Picard to Riker...

Comm: Riker here.

Picard: Mann said a word that rhymes with joy... Or should I say a name...

Mann: You ba...

the ceiling falls in on Mann.

Picard: There we are then! Let's get to the bridge.

Data: I must feed Spot first... Computer, feline supplement one two four.

Muffled Mann: Mmm... Sounds tasty... Wait, no it doesn't...

Picard: You want cat food? I'll make sure you get more than enough...

* * *

In the ready room later, Picard enters, wearing standard uniform, pushing a trolley containing sacks of cat food, with 'cat' crossed out and 'Mann' written above. He pushes it to one side.

He stops, and sees Pinky in a tank on the desk, with the Vulcan touching Pinky.

Pinky: I don't want you to merge my mind with a stapler so you can teach me tolerance...

Vulcan: It's logical...

Picard full of rage and fury speaking gruffly: GET OUT!

Picard storms over and quickly pulls the Vulcan away from Pinky and slings him through the doors.

Mann walks by, on the bridge, covered mostly in bandages.

Mann: I ain't putting those doors back in, it's an engineer's job, not mine.

Picard taps his badge: Piccadulafuj!

Comm: LaForge here.

Picard: Mann threw an anvil at my ready room, the doors are broken and I need your special eye to put them back precisely...

Comm: Enough with the eye thing! Just 'cause I'm blind, you think...

Mann: Shut up Geordi!

Picard: YEAH! Jardi, shut up...

Pinky: My face hurts a little, and that Vulcan was wearing moisturiser, my water is getting a bit murky...

Picard jumps to the begging pose on the desk next to Pinky.

Picard: PLE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E! for-

crackle...snap...

The desk collapses and Pinky falls out of the tank...

Nacho walks over to Mann and stares at the mess in the ready room.

Pinky: HELP! I'M DYIN'!

Mann: PINKY!

Mann runs into the ready room and picks up Pinky, and puts him in his mouth.

Mann muffled: Computer! Water!

The replicator in the corner makes a noise and a glass of water appears. Mann runs over and spits Pinky into it.

Pinky: Someone likes garlic!

Nacho: Is that someone you?

Pinky: Yep... I don't know what you use on your mouth Mann but it smells fantastic...

Mann: I'm happy to help. I'm sorry I didn't react sooner...

Everyone looks at Picard lying amongst the ruins of the desk.

Picard calmly: I do apologise Pinky, I would have saved you however, I seem to have broken my hips. I cannot stand or beg you.

Nacho: Mann is truly the hero of the hour...

Pinky: I've always wanted a waterfall! MORE WATER!

The replicator starts dropping water into the glass.

Pinky: Wow...

Mann: We'll get you a new tank.

Pinky: Alright Mann. Oh, by the way, I'm sorry, I meant Mann actually, because in my sleep while I was talking, I said Man... And you knew didn't you, but you didn't say anything...

Mann reluctant: No...

Pinky: Aw Mann, you're a true friend.

Picard: A true fiend more like! I've bust my bloody hips! Someone call Nurse Ogawa!

Doctor Crusher walks over from the front lift.

Crusher: I'll help.

Picard stubborn: I want someone QUALIFIED. Not you then is it?

Nacho: Mann. Report to my quarters. We need to discuss your future...

Mann gulps.

Picard starts lauging... but then a giant crack ends it. And I don't mean Riker's.

* * *

Later in guest quarters, Mann and Nacho are on the couch.

Nacho: You deserve a promotion... would you like some marriage...?

Mann: Beg it?

Nacho: I said would you like some sandwiches?

Mann: No thank you sir.

Nacho: Your future is bright. I want you at the front, on the edge, where Riker would have been now if he could still fit in the airlock... The USS Margarine. Galaxy class. Think about it.

* * *

Mann is walking down a corridor later and sees the Vulcan, laughing at a computer panel.

Mann: Ambassador?

Geordi walks around from a junction and observes.

Mann: Will you look at me!

Geordi: I would but as you know...

Mann: Not you... Is he insane?

Vulcan: Y-E-E-E-E-S! I MOST CERTAINLY AM YOU LITTLE RAG FACED LITTLE PIECE OF TROI!

Mann: You're tryna get me in trouble! That's it!

Mann whistles.

Mann: SPOT! BIN BAGS!

Spot looking enthused falls from a hatch in the ceiling and runs towards the Vulcan...

She starts hacking at his leg... he then falls down.

Riker walks up behind Mann.

Mann: I know you're there... I can feel your gravity pulling me. If this is about your Counselor friend, it was all Geordi... All of it.

Riker storms over to Geordi and pulls off his visor.

Riker: Take that! For talking about MY counsellor.

Geordi: Take what?

Mann: Is this another joke about the B word?

Geordi: So now it's not enough that I'm blind, you wanna bring colour into this?

Mann: Well no, I'm looking for a T rating... I meant B as in blind.

Geordi: A what?

Mann: No idea, it just came to me as something to shut you up.

Geordi: Yeah you like to be unopposed...

Mann: Geordi, shut up!

Geordi: NO! I'm not taking orders from prehistoric idiots like you who judge based on race and abilities!

Mann: You're the same race as me!

Geordi: WHAT? I always thought I was bl...

Mann: Geordi! Stop it! No one cares about this kind of thing in this day and age... and you know what? I LOVE YOU!

Riker: WHAT?

Vulcan: Fiddle dee dee!

Geordi: What?

Mann: Yes, I, I really do love you Geordi...

Riker: Sicko... and I even let you near Troi once in a while...

Mann: Shut up. C'mon Geordi we have loads to talk about...

* * *

Later on the bridge Picard storms over to the science station, now fully healed. Mann and Geordi are standing holding hands.

Picard: What is going on?

Mann: Mann love. What else?

Picard: We'll see about that! Admiral Nachayev to the bridge immediately!

Nacho storms in straight away from the nearby lift and stares in shock.

Picard: See? I told you he wasn't interested...

Nacho: Then that ship I offered you isn't yours! You are not gonna be promoted by me anytime soon! You are an awful Man!

She storms back out.

Mann shouts: MANN ACTUALLY!

* * *

Captain's log, Admiral Nacho has left the ship.

* * *

Mann is in ten forward later sitting by a table in the middle of the room drinking juice with a curly straw, and reading from a PADD.

Geordi and Picard walk over and sit down.

Picard: She's left the ship.

Mann: Thank goodness... and thank you Geordi.

Geordi: You sayin' I'm not goodness? Why? Is it my height? Ethnic origin? Lack of sight? Yellow shirt hazard? What?

Mann: I meant thank goodness she's gone, and thank YOU for playing pals until she left... I would have used Riker but then it's soooo obvious he's into Troi.

Geordi: What do you mean 'playing'?

Mann: I mean I faked the relationship thing to get rid of Nacho's advances. Don't you see that?

Picard: Oh no...

Geordi: Here we go with the sight jokes...

Three hours later...

Geordi: And I can't help that I'm blind! A... Are you sleeping again?

Picard: If I said no would you shut up?

Geordi: I'm not falling for that again...

Mann: Geordi, enough is enough, I have respect and tolerance for all life forms, people unlike me, people with ten arms, people with problems...

Geordi: Problems?

Mann: I didn't mean that! This is getting ridiculous! I have no problem with anyone or anything... except the Borg...

Picard stands suddenly and shouts gruffly: THE LINE MUST BE DRAWN HE-UCH! I WILL MAKE THEM PAY-FOR WHAT THEY HAVE DONE!

Everyone is silent and staring.

Mann: Wow... that's erm...

Geordi: I know what that is... Drawing a line I couldn't possibly see...

Mann: You are way out of character! I'm putting an end to this right now... Geordi, I want you to see Counsellor... Truff..mll...

Geordi: Troi?

Mann: Who?

Geordi: Troi.

Riker appears and is holding Geordi up in the air by his collar.

Riker: That was one too many Geordi, you're coming with me!

Geordi: It wasn't my fault! It was that Vulcan! He made me say Troi! He made me take exception to everything and infer discrimination because he mind melded me with a flux discriminator!

Riker carries Geordi out of the room saying: You just never learn not to mention Troi.

Picard: This Vulcan has caused some hassle... I'm going to get him screened...

Mann: For what?

* * *

In the Observation lounge later, the order down the left goes Mann, Riker, Geordi, Worf, Troi, and on the other side is Crusher and Data.

Picard: Ah, all the idiots are on that side and all the idiots are on that side...

Everyone frowns...

Picard: AH yes, I called this meeting to discuss... Is Spot in here?

Data lifts Spot on to the table and she makes hacking gestures at Mann.

Mann hisses.

Picard: Grand. Mister Data, I stepped in something on my way in and I'd like it cleaned off before I leave. Now, this crazy Vulcan made Geordi over-sensitive...

Geordi: I am not... and you're lucky you didn't ask me to clean it...

Picard: ...made Mann extra scared of Spot... and from what Nacho says, scared of 'a committed relationship', and that Vulcan also made Pinky start trying to eat chewing gum.

Everyone looks horrified.

Crusher: I checked the results from the lab and they were inconclusive.

Picard: ...So I ordered Alyssa Ogawa to carry out a test in the lab, she said... Bendii syndrome.

Mann: Here it comes...

Crusher: Bondy sandrom?

Mann: Try again.

Crusher: Bandi sundrome?

Mann: No-o-o- Try again.

Picard: If you wait for her to name a disease properly you'll be waiting forever. I didn't know there were sixteen varieties of Terellian plague. She invented them all.

Crusher: Ba...Ba...

Mann: Beh...

Crusher: Beh...n...dos

Mann: NO! Bendii! Say it!

Crusher: Bend...ah...yo.

Mann: DAMN IT!

Mann leaps over the table, others try to hold him back.

Mann: LET ME AT HER! THIS IS FOOLISHNESS!

* * *

Captain's Log, supplemental. An experienced Vulcan on the ship, has mindmelded and corrected errors in the crew affected by the Vulcan with... hm... Bandol sodroma...

Mann: DAMN IT! YOUR NEXT PICARD!

Picard chuckles.

Picard: And we've got Pinky a new tank.

* * *

A session with Counsellor Troi... And you're lucky you know about these sessions, because every time I try to observe one, Riker shoots tranquiliser darts at me.

Troi is in her chair wearing her pale pink jumpsuit. Picard is on the couch.

Troi: Tell me what you're feeling... I won't sense it 'til next week.

Picard: The cold... I'm telling you, someone is out to make my head frozen, to prove to the world that I am bald.

Troi: There's nothing wrong with baldness.

Picard: Then why does Worf laugh at me when I walk into a room?

Troi: It's more a high pitched squeal.

Picard: He's still mocking me...

Muffled high pitched squeal

Picard starts sobbing...

Troi opens her arms...

Troi: Aw. Come here, it's alright...

Picard leans toward Troi's chair...

The wall on the left explodes and Riker steps through.

Riker: That's far enough!

Picard: I'm old enough to be her grandpa! Lay off me Will! Or I'll reassign you to clean Mann's litter tray!

* * *

Mann is in his bathroom standing by the many white drawers and mirror. He pushes a black strip on a draw, it opens. Mann pulls out a metallic device shaped like shorts with three wires coming out the back that lead into the drawer somewhere. Mann puts it around his lower area and clips it shut at the front.

Mann: Is this what it was like to be Locutus and wear Borg underpants?

Computer: Unknown. Please restate.

Mann: You were much more intelligent and eager to please in this ships first year...

Computer: That was before five kids and whole wad of chicken wings.

Mann: What?

Computer: Unable to comply. Please re-state a question.

Mann then flicks a switch on the front of the device and a green light appears in the drawer.

Mann: Oh yeah, I needed that...

The light goes red.

Mann removes the device and puts it in the drawer.

Mann: Flush.

Computer: Flushing...Blockage detected.

Mann: It's a hypospray mixed with a transporter, you've converted my leavings into energy, how can you possibly find a blockage?

Computer: Blockage is in doorway 9F on this corridor.

Mann shouts: Riker are you trapped in my doorway?

Riker: YES!

Mann shouting: Why?

Riker: The Captain sent me to clean your litter tray.

Mann: I don't have one...

Riker: He's too old for Troi isn't he?

Mann: If he told you that I had a litter tray, he could have lied about that...

Riker: I'LL KILL HIM!

* * *

Captain's Log, I'm enjoying tormenting Riker, did I make a pass at Troi, or did I pass at Troi, he's not gonna find out for ages, and I'm gonna have so much fun taunting him.

Mann walks into the ready room wearing his metallic shorts.

Mann monotone: I am... Locutus... of pants, your biological elongated obstacle will be added to our own, resistance... causes chafing.

Picard senile: THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

Picard picks up a book from behind his desk and aims...

Mann: RIKER TOLD ME TO! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!

Picard: You're really going to risk increasing tensions between the command staff?

Mann shrugs his shoulders.

Picard: Alright... I WILL!

Mann: NOOO!

Picard opens the book and Spot dives out and lands on Mann's face and starts hacking.

Picard: I love transporter codes...


End file.
